


Rollback the Bodies

by EverythingIsNumbers



Category: CSI: Miami
Genre: Bad Puns, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-24 10:20:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13211724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EverythingIsNumbers/pseuds/EverythingIsNumbers
Summary: CSI Miami investigates a mysterious murder case in a Wal-Mart





	Rollback the Bodies

Horatio approached the crime scene wearing two pairs of sunglasses. He pulled up in his Mercedes Benz and rolled into the department store. Once inside, he was greeted by Calleigh, who was the lead detective on the case. Despite the fact that her position required about twenty years hands-on experience under unbelievable stress, she was twenty-five and smoking hot. She also had her hair down which was probably a bad thing at a crime scene.

“Good to see you Lieutenant Caine.” She said evenly. “I trust you’ve been briefed?”

“No, Detective, I have not. I was at the Pub when I got the call.”

“It’s ten in the morning, sir.”

“It’s Miami, detective.”

“You’re right. Here’s the situation: there are twelve dead bodies in this Wal-Mart, all were found in different aisles.”

“Well, I guess you could say…” Horatio stopped walking, and Calleigh waited patiently as he took his first pair of sunglasses off. “ _ Murder is cheaper by the doze-- _ ”

“Lieutenant! Detective! Good to see you!” An out-of-breath Eric Delko shouted, running to greet them from one of the aisles. Horatio’s eye twitched imperceptibly under his sunglasses. “There’s been a few new developments at the scene. We’ve identified a couple of the bodies.”

“Go on, Detective” Calleigh prompted.

“This Wal-Mart has an attached McDonald’s. It turns out that one of the victims was the Ronald McDonald clown that worked there.”

“Cause of death?”

“Blunt force trauma. Something hit him in the chest, sir.”

“Well, detective, it looks like he...” Horatio paused dramatically, and took off his second pair of sunglasses. “... _ smashed his McRib--” _

“Hang on sir, I’m getting a call.” Eric flipped open his phone and turned around. A one-sided conversation took place, masking Horatio’s frustrated muttering.

“Okay sir. Looks like we’ve got a couple new developments and a witness. Did they tell you that one of the deaths was caused because someone crashed a Red Mercedes Benz into the side of the store?” 

“No. But I guess he found out how…” This time Horatio’s pause was short as he put his first pair of glasses back on. “ _ Mercedes Bends. YEEEEEEEEA-” _

“Hang on sir, that’s not all.” Calleigh butted back in. Horatio made a choking noise. “There’s no consistency with how these people died. Another of the victims was found dressed as Santa Claus, strangled to death next to the Viagra in the Pharmaceutical aisle.”

Horatio composed himself.

“Well then it looks like he…  _ died har-- _ ” 

“I’ve brought the witness!” There was another shout as detective Ryan Wolfe arrived on the scene, with a skinny, stressed-looking man in tow. Horatio stomped his foot. “This is mister Blandshaw. He’s a math teacher at the high school across the street. He says he saw the whole thing.”

“How do we know that he’s not pretending to be a witness so that we don’t treat him like a suspect?” Horatio asked accusingly.

“P-please, sir. I have an alibi. I was lecturing the students on how to factor polynomials. You can ask any of them!” Blandshaw stammered.

“It’s true Sir. I did so before coming here. He has a good alibi.”

“Well then…” Horatio donned a third pair of sunglasses that he had kept in his suit pocket. “ _ We can take him out of the equatio--” _

“It seems one of the victims who suffocated did so because of an abundance of smoke.” Wolfe held up a finger helpfully, demonstrating a new level of tactlessness.

“Not surprising…  _ smoking kills. _ ” Horatio paused for a reaction, but everybody seemed to be ignoring him. He looked around frantically.

“But that’s not the weirdest part.” Wolfe continued. ”Several other victims were found with severe burns, but only on the left halves of their faces.”

“So then it looks like our perp…” This time Horatio tried removing all three pairs of sunglasses at once. “ _ Was a real two-faced bastar--” _

“Sir.” Calleigh interrupted, annoyance in her voice. “With all due respect,  _ twelve people just died.” _

There was a pause, and Horatio’s expression was unreadable.

“I don’t get it.” he said finally.


End file.
